An Apology and Some Extra Context

I need to apologize to my readers.

Even though this is a public blog, intentionally left open to whomever might find it interesting or helpful, I have a tendency to write individual posts as though they were going into my personal, private diary. Normally, this is a good thing. It helps me to express myself openly and write with a level of vulnerability that I might not achieve if I constantly remembered the public nature of my medium. However, my last entry made it clear that this approach also makes it easy to leave out details that change the way my readers interpret an incident compared to how I experienced it.

Particularly when I allow a week to lapse between entries, this can be a VERY BAD THING.

My last post described a particularly bad depressive episode with very little in the way of context for what happened afterwards or how frequently those episodes occur, and I know that several of you were quite worried about me. I want to reassure you that while that kind of negative spiral is not new to me, it is infrequent. While I do have bad days (when Jerk Brain is particularly loud), the severity of the episode I documented last week (where it actually took over) is rare enough that I have to think back roughly eighteen months to recall another. Even on the occasions when I have not had immediate support for these episodes (of whatever severity), my thoughts do not typically turn to physical self-harm, but rather push me to undermine myself mentally and emotionally, such as the efforts to push my partner away I documented in my last post.

I am sorry that the lack of crucial context in my writing caused unnecessary worry for those who love me.

I don't mean for this apology and explanation to mitigate the severity of what I experienced. I know that these incidents are not normal or healthy, and I am working toward getting professional help, including antidepressants. I started a new job last Monday, which offers health insurance. As soon as I know what company that plan will be through, I intend to start looking for a doctor/therapist that will accept both my current insurance and my new insurance (when it kicks in near the end of September).

Thank you all for your love and support as I feel my way, slowly but surely, toward better mental health.