Such a moment occurred several weeks ago when a friend introduced me to the term "anhedonia."
Merriam-Webster defines anhedonia as "a psychological condition characterized by an inability to experience pleasure in normally pleasurable acts." In my case, this is not a gradual disenchantment with an activity, but rather a sudden and inexplicable aversion to something I used to enjoy. Often, I will try to force myself to continue participating, because if I am just having a Code Yellow day, interacting with people enjoying my hobby will sometimes (though not always) help me to feel better about it. Unfortunately, if I repeatedly force myself into an activity without getting the pleasure of it, I start to actively dislike it.
As a result, most of my hobbies operate in a "feast or famine" mode.
When I am enjoying something, I throw myself into it completely. I binge a new show on Netflix, play a single video game exclusively for hours every night for a week, or devour every book in a series. And then, when I find I am not interested in the activity, I stop. Even if I am in the middle of an episode of a show, or three quarters of the way through a book, I simply don't return to it. I move on to something else.
For years, I described this pattern to other people by saying "I have cycles of interest. Right now I am doing [hobby]." Occasionally Jerk Brain would berate me for being 'fickle,' especially when I would abruptly leave a community and endanger tenuous friendships I had built there. In light of my new understanding that my anhedonia is a symptom, not a personality trait, I realize that my 'cycles' are actually a coping mechanism. If I stop engaging with an activity immediately, I can return to it after one or two others have run their course. If, on the other hand, I push myself until I experience an active antipathy to my formerly pleasurable hobby, it dramatically lengthens the time before I can enjoy it again, and may even prevent me from returning at all.
Hopefully, once I am receiving professional help for my depression, I won't need to trick my brain just to enjoy my hobbies.
As a result, most of my hobbies operate in a "feast or famine" mode.
When I am enjoying something, I throw myself into it completely. I binge a new show on Netflix, play a single video game exclusively for hours every night for a week, or devour every book in a series. And then, when I find I am not interested in the activity, I stop. Even if I am in the middle of an episode of a show, or three quarters of the way through a book, I simply don't return to it. I move on to something else.
For years, I described this pattern to other people by saying "I have cycles of interest. Right now I am doing [hobby]." Occasionally Jerk Brain would berate me for being 'fickle,' especially when I would abruptly leave a community and endanger tenuous friendships I had built there. In light of my new understanding that my anhedonia is a symptom, not a personality trait, I realize that my 'cycles' are actually a coping mechanism. If I stop engaging with an activity immediately, I can return to it after one or two others have run their course. If, on the other hand, I push myself until I experience an active antipathy to my formerly pleasurable hobby, it dramatically lengthens the time before I can enjoy it again, and may even prevent me from returning at all.
Hopefully, once I am receiving professional help for my depression, I won't need to trick my brain just to enjoy my hobbies.
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