Introducing Jerk Brain

Today was not, quite, a good day.

By this I mean that it had all the pieces a good workday should have had, but my emotional reaction to it was not a good mood. Instead, it felt thoroughly average.

I got up for work with minimal effort when my alarms went off. Yes, that was alarms, plural. Since I have to be at work by 7:15am, I try to leave the house by 6:45am, which means dragging myself out of bed absolutely no later than 6:30am. I am never happy to be awake so early, but I manage it by setting my first alarm for 5:45am, snoozing until 6am, then getting up somewhere in the snooze cycle of my 6:15am alarm.

Today I was fully awake by the time I snoozed the 6:15 alarm the first time, and even got out of bed in time to shower quickly before leaving for work. I also grabbed something moderately nourishing to eat on my drive, another unusual feat, as normally I skip breakfast entirely due to time constraints and my body's stubborn refusal to desire any food less than two hours after I wake up.

Despite slightly heavier than normal traffic, I arrived at work on time. I then discovered that I had a very light workload for the day, and that thanks to a last minute cancellation, no clients were scheduled to arrive until 9am. I spent an hour and a half doing light cleaning tasks around the salon (for those who may be unaware, I am a dog groomer), was able to finish my dogs early, and avoided most of rush hour traffic to get home.

I should have been in a good mood. As I read over this write-up of my day, I would have expected that I would be eager to work on my ongoing creative projects, excited to start reading the next book in my queue, and motivated to tackle chores. I certainly remember thinking about the first two while I was at work. Instead, I wandered around the house aimlessly for the remainder of my afternoon, had a small meal, talked with a roommate for an hour or so, and then started on this post.

In short, I accomplished few of the things I contemplated all day, despite having the time to work on them, because I simply lacked the impetus to do so. And this despite having a day that, as nearly as any workday could, should have set me up for success.

And now, having recognized this fact, I must fight my own mind directly.

As soon as I realized that I "should" have been in a good mood, that by any outside metric I had had a good day, the internal voice I have named Jerk Brain started whispering to me. Jerk Brain is perhaps the most insidious aspect of my struggle with depression, because it sounds like me. I have gotten better at identifying it, but all too often it sneaks in without my noticing.

"How lazy," it snips. "Did you do anything you didn't have to do today?"

I struggle to come up with a response, but even as I raise the example of picking up my roommate from work, Jerk Brain is attacking from new angles.

"If you can't be bothered to work on your goals on days like today, how can you possibly expect to achieve anything?"

"No wonder you are always the outsider, if this is all the effort you put into your own life."

I know these to be false accusations. I know that I am my own worst enemy here. Even as I write this I am reaching out to the people closest to me to reaffirm that they see me more kindly than I see myself. I try to ignore Jerk Brain as it whispers that I am manipulating them to make myself feel better.

I don't have an eloquent conclusion to share here. This struggle is real, and active, and ongoing. I don't know how it will ultimately resolve. I don't know how to shut out Jerk Brain's poison.

I just know that I want to see myself the way my loved ones see me.