A Bad Day

Well, so much for posting every day.

Most of yesterday was spent at work. Despite the long hours (nearly twelve of them elapsed between leaving home and returning), I was in a fairly good mood when I got home. I took about an hour to decompress and give my aching feet a rest, then was surprised with the offer of a sushi dinner, which I accepted. However, by the end of the meal, I could barely keep my eyes open (thankfully, I wasn't driving), and I fell asleep shortly after 10pm.

Today was... not as good. Despite a good night's sleep and a much lighter workload than yesterday, by the time I punched out (early), my eagerness to start my weekend had disappeared. Instead, I felt - feel - like a wet rag that has been wrung out and hung to dry. On my drive home, I caught myself thinking that I don't love grooming anymore, only some of my clients. I know this probably is not true. But it's a bad day.

On bad days I genuinely cannot imagine enjoying the things that I otherwise love.

It's not just my job. Books I want to read (or am in the process of reading!) bore me, movies or television series on my watch list cannot capture my interest, and my creative projects overwhelm me. I end up spending hours idly scrolling through Facebook, trying to find something, anything, to settle the restlessness. Usually, when I have seen everything in my feed at least twice, I end up closing the window and trying to engage in something I know, intellectually, I wanted to do. Occasionally I can enjoy something on Netflix this way, even if I had previously been unable to settle myself enough before. More often, I give up and either return to Facebook (now bored and disgusted at myself but unable to stop) or go to sleep.

These are the days when Jerk Brain is most likely to sneak up on me.

It is far too easy to label myself as lazy and unmotivated, and to chastise myself for my lack of creativity or discipline. Often, I hardly notice that I am doing so until and unless my unkind thoughts have driven me to the brink of tears. And worse, in some ways, are the days that I don't feel Jerk Brain's jibes at all. Those are the days that I simply feel hollowed out, as though all my ambitions and hopes and joys have been carved away. Those are very bad days.

Today is a very bad day.