Ten Days Later

NOTE: This was written yesterday, May 13th, but due to technical difficulties I was unable to post prior to now.

Ten days ago, I began this blog project.

I did not quite know what I was hoping to achieve, or what reactions I was looking for from my friends and family. I just knew that talking about my depression scared me, and I needed to face that fear. The fact that it would be a regular writing project where I would always have something to write (about no matter how boring it seemed) was an added bonus.

Ten days is not a long time. I certainly did not expect to be making a post reflecting on the project's impacts so soon. However, I have already learned a great deal that is probably not readily apparent to my readers. In the interest of maintaining the transparency that is the purpose of this blog, I want to share some of those lessons today. In the interest of making sure I have something interesting to write about tomorrow, at least one of those lessons is going to get it's own, separate blog post later.

Lesson One: Posting the Link Is the Hardest Part

I have gone back and forth every day that I posted about whether to share the link on Facebook. Writing about my depression is hard, but putting it out for people I know and love to see is harder. I alternate between fearing the vulnerability, or feeling like I am just looking for attention. Contradictory emotions, but both make me reluctant to share with people whose opinions I respect.

Lesson Two: Sometimes Support Is Difficult to Accept

My reaction to expressions of support, both online and in person, have varied widely depending on how I feel at that particular moment and how the support is couched. I know that the people who have reached out to me want only to make me feel loved and (in many cases) express their admiration for my courage in sharing my experiences. Nevertheless, about a quarter of the time, when I see a comment (even as simple as a reaction on my Facebook status announcing the post), I cringe and want to hide. As far as I can tell, it has very little to do with the comments themselves and far more to do with the conflicting emotions I mentioned above.

Lesson Three: I Am Vicious to Myself

By far the most difficult sections that I have written have been translating the half-conscious prods of Jerk Brain. By externalizing those thoughts into written words, I have come face to face with precisely how merciless and antagonistic my own thoughts can be. Sometimes I am literally crying as I document Jerk Brain's attacks on my self-esteem. The process is painful, but ultimately helpful, as it shows me in no uncertain terms how unreasonable and self-defeating those thoughts are.

Lesson Four: There Are More of Us Than You Think

Since beginning to document my depression, a number of my friends (many of whom I had no idea struggled similarly) have approached me to share their own experiences with the illness. By opening myself up, by taking that first step, I have created an opportunity I never expected, to connect with others like myself. We are reaching out, despite pain and fear and often overwhelming feelings of isolation, to hold each other in the dark times. We are finding and supporting each other on our paths, so no one needs to walk alone.