Today has been a roller coaster day, full of ups and downs.
During the ups I felt like my normal self: I could focus on the things I enjoy, and I even engaged in a spirited philosophical debate with my roommate. But the peaks have been frustratingly temporary, giving me brief moments of perspective before I plunge into a new low.
And the downs have been the worst I can remember in quite some time. As I write this, I find I am struggling to communicate verbally. I can't even hold eye contact with my boyfriend, and his is currently the only presence that doesn't make me profoundly, physically uncomfortable. Even the minor support I managed to ask for from him (to come sit next to me rather than trying a new game in the other room) has prompted Jerk Brain to rage in the forefront of my mind.
How selfish, you can't even be alone for half an hour?
You have no right to ask him to stop doing something fun to take care of you.
You're being a clingy girlfriend again. Why can't you accept comfort from your roommate who wants to help you, instead?
Not that you deserve comfort. You focused enough to read the last third of your book, earlier; you're just making excuses for being bored and lazy, now.
The fact that I know Jerk Brain is lying to me, that my boyfriend has directly countered some of these thoughts, doesn't exactly help. When the depression is this bad, recognizing it actually makes me feel guilty for being unable to ignore it.
I don't know what else to say. I just... hope that tomorrow is better. I want to go to sleep and wake up to find out this has just been a bad dream.
Tomorrow has to be better, right?
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