Something That Scares Me

"Do one thing every day that scares you." ~Mary Schmich

This may be one of the most commonly repeated pieces of life advice I have ever heard. It is also one that I have never been able to follow. After all, the things that scare me on a daily basis are things like vulnerability and the fear that I am, in the grand scheme of things, irrelevant. This blog is my attempt to do something that scares me every day.

My name is Jenny, and I have chronic depression.

Or at least, I am fairly certain that I do. I have never been formally diagnosed. Nevertheless, I am setting out to document my experiences. Whether writing about the good days, or especially the bad ones, I am going to try to put my thoughts and feelings in some kind of coherent order. Why? Because I want the perspective. Because I want to see if there is a pattern or a trigger for the bad days.

Because the idea terrifies me.

Talking or writing about depression as a real, active presence in my life is one of the scariest things I have ever done. It is much easier, feels much safer, to talk about having had depression. But lately I have realized that I do myself a disservice when I pretend that I am just lazy when cancel plans, or fail to accomplish goals.

No matter how small the first step or how important the journey, some days I just can't bring myself to do it.

I am slowly starting to undo years of self-blame that convinced me that my bad days are evidence of a moral defect that my good days cannot redeem. I have a wonderful, loving support system of friends and relatives and an amazing partner who are all rooting for me and helping me to recognize that my depression is a thing that I live with, not a thing that I am.

I'm scared, but this is the first step. Will you walk with me a while?